Even a spandex bodysuit couldn’t fix this

I am not Wonder Woman.

During the summer, when I am sleeping enough and eating well and have much different kind of time, it becomes easy for me to believe that I can do all the things I need and want to do.  It feels so possible.

And then I slam into the reality of September, with its 17+ hour-days–each hour filled with work, parenting, and housekeeping.

This week I came undone when I came home to dog mess.  It wasn’t the mess, it was that once again my efforts to get some exercise were thwarted.  Instead of going for the walk I’d planned, I was cleaning up someone else’s shit.  Literally.

And it wasn’t even really that.  It was the realization that these days in which I cannot attend to anything but other beings–all day and night long–are the rule, not the exception.  It was seeing that the extra day off each week (thank you, crappy economy) is not an 8 hours I am going to be able to use for a whole bunch of new creative projects.  It’s 8 hours I am going to use toward maintaining my health (which is generally in a sorry state by the time I get to that Friday off).

My purpose here is not to whine.  (But yes, I know I am a bit.)  I know that everyone gets the same 24 hours, and we all have to make choices about how we use them.  I could make different choices.  But I choose not to.  I choose to mother the way I do.  I choose to work the way I do.  I choose to have a romantic relationship.  I choose all the things I have in my life.  (Yeah, I didn’t necessarily know what I was getting into when I made some of the choices, and no, some of them could not be easily undone.  But I’d choose them again.  All of them.)

The simple truth is:  I cannot do all the things I want to do.  Probably no one can.  While this blog is one of the things I want to do, I can’t do it and some other things I want to do more.  At least right now.  I’ve been dropping hints about another blog that’s been in the works since last spring.  I want to launch it more than I want to keep writing posts here.

A gratitude practice is essential to my well-being.  Blogging might be, too.  Writing posts here is good for me because the act of polishing the writing for others forces me to dig deeper into my thinking that I otherwise would.  Connecting with those of you who write back to me is also essential to my well-being.  Because my life is so full, it is hard to connect face-to-face, and my electronic connections mean a great deal to me.  When I took a break earlier this year, I really missed you.

But I have to make a choice.  One great thing about getting older and having some experience behind me is knowing that choices can always be changed.  (What a revelation it was to learn that.  Thank you, Sharon.)  Today, I am choosing to suspend my writing here so that I can write something else.  I need to give the new blog some focused, dedicated attention or it will never be born.  I’m hoping that those of you who read this blog will follow me to that one.  It will contain much of what this one does, plus more.

So, this is not good-bye.  It is see you later.  I’ll miss you while I’m gone.

UPDATE (6.7.12):  If you’d like to check out the new blog, hope you’ll click over to This (sorta) Old Life–our life/home improvement blog focused on restoring, renewing, revising, and re-doing. We like fixing up all kinds of junk.

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6 responses to “Even a spandex bodysuit couldn’t fix this

  1. Thanks, Rita, for offering so many insights over the course of this blog. I’ll miss your lessons. Please let me know when you debut your next blog. I’ll be waiting…

  2. Good luck. My motto for several years now has been “Fewer things more deeply.” It solved much. And taught me much, too.

  3. I’d like the update on the new blog, too. I’ve said before that I always find something in your writing just for me — even if I don’t always respond. I’d hate to lose that connection. Especially since I have so much going on and I’m having a difficult time transitioning back into a classroom crammed with 40 students per class. =/ I’ve thought of you and this blog often in the past three weeks, thinking I need to put some really focused energy into adjusting my attitude. Because boy do I need it!

    Happy Trails!
    Tina

  4. Looking forward to the birth of your new blog. Personally, I’m learning, just at the tip of it really – to make some decisions based on how, what, if, what I’m choosing is going to nurture my soul. Sometimes, I MUST leave dishes in the sink to write, other times, I have to leave for the coast (part of my OC behavior involves leaving a completely cleaned home behind when leaving on a trip) with my sheets unchanged. And then again, I often choose, for my soul’s sake, to do the four loads of laundry so that my mind will still. There are times when I choose to look at my behavior and try to decide whether I’m acting out of shadow or light. Either is fine but my response to my own behavior and my understanding of other’s response to that behavior and my soul’s ability to accept my behavior with compassion and understanding – often requires “seeing the behavior” for what it is and from which it stems.

    I hope you cut yourself alot of slack. I also understand your stand on the choices you have made. If I were your mentor I’d only suggest that those choices be examined from the perspective of how they feed your soul. I have come to believe that we can accomplish all the tasks we choose to, can love the way we choose, can make our place in the world the way we choose – but if we leave our souls behind (and I’m not using the word “soul” in any kind of religious context) that place which acts as the middle person between our unconscious and thinking mind – I, at least, find myself walking around with the firm belief that something is missing. And it is.

    Much love to you on your new endeavor – can’t wait to see it.

    Thanks for taking us on a part of your journey.

    Skye

  5. I’ll just say I’ll miss you via this blog, but will look forward to your new one.

  6. Thanks to all of you for your kind words and good wishes. Fewer things more deeply that feed my soul are just what I’m trying to get to. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all pursue all of the things we’d like to do? I will be sure to let you know when the new one goes public. Making much progress now that I’ve let this one go. But I miss “talking” with all of you.

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